I expected this year to be different. I hoped for the wind to change over the past ten years. I have witnessed Yahweh resurrecting broken relationships, revealing the truth hidden beneath systematic lies and darkness. Personally, a lot has transpired. Over the past ten years, I have gone from a nuclear family of four to a family of three. I returned to my childhood home. I faced the demons and divorce of my mother for the final time. I wanted to prevent her venom from biting and poisoning my youngest child, as she did with her own.

I rose from homelessness to secure a lease in my name. I fought for the minds and custody of my youngest child, who had been mentally abused and tortured to the brink of suicide and mental anguish. Despite unfounded ACS allegations, I persevered and won emergency family court custody, retaining custody.

Until my eyes were fully opened and I recognized all the lies and where true love lies. I prevailed with guardianship over my oldest child. The man never understood the medical complexity of our eldest child. In fact, he did not even understand our youngest. But Yahweh Jireth overcame major reproductive issues, broken feet, and severe exposure to mold poison in my lungs, ankle reconstruction, and significant nerve damage. Yahweh Rapha, continue to be my physician and healer.

I have crystallized my identity, and my Abba Yahweh already knows who I am and whose I am. I now fully understand my purpose. This clarity has removed all questions about my worth. It has also affirmed the value I bring to others.

So what defines me?

Throughout my life’s journey, I have learned many valuable lessons. I will touch on various attributes that help define me. I am the mother of two biologically African American young men. They have complex cognitive and medical needs. I am also a daughter and sibling. After three parental divorces, I am now part of a medical and financial support system. This is for a woman whose vision is still blinded to my truth. Yet, she recognizes the wrong she did to her grandson. I sought marriage for the first time to escape with a broken soul. I wanted to escape the abuse and toxicity of my childhood home. That toxicity entered our home. It poisoned our fragile young bond and destroyed it.

That same toxicity will later destroy our long-term friendship and engagement. From that experience, I took a valuable lesson into my second marriage. I learned the importance of insulating from past toxicity. Unfortunately, that doesn’t prevent toxicity from growing from within. This is especially true when both foundations aren’t on equal footing.

Over the past ten years, as a hopeless romantic, I have found myself balancing on a delicate tightrope. First, with one who was a friend. He was a mentor and protector. He privately loved me and publicly held me in the highest respect. Yet Yahweh’s will must be done. And though his love for the lesson he taught me remains dear to this day. I’ve come to realize that I didn’t fully grasp it. I thought I was mature. I believed I had learned from his teaching. I’ve come to understand that not all lessons are learned without a test. Not all teachers are the same. Some are forerunners of what’s to come. Others are counterfeit yet come with their own lessons. Lessons of proper boundaries, self-respect, and spiritual alertness. I quickly learned how it felt not to be protected or sheltered. I was privately and publicly disrespected until I was given a choice to make.

I chose myself. In picking me, I chose Yahweh. In choosing me, I define myself and everything I believe and hold true.

In choosing me, I was defining myself.

Thiz is Me, Cee Marie!